What They Don't Want You To Know About Air

"Teh Penguin of Doom" (thepenguinofdoom)
05/10/2020 at 05:40 • Filed to: None

I was stopping at Goodyear. I normally don’t, but I’d drank a sixty-four ouncer of kombucha, and well, nature was calling.

One of the tire technicians looked over at me and smiled. He pointed at the wheels of my car. “Add some air?”

“Excuse me?” I asked. “I know the science. I’ve educated myself. And there won’t be any air for me, nor for my kids.”

“But you have a tattoo and you listen to rock-and-roll,” the technician said, in disbelief. “How can you possibly know the science about air?”

“I’ll have you know that I have a college degree!” I said, my finger pointed into his face.

“I never imagined that a hip, good-looking woman like you would have a college degree.” He shrugged. “So you want some air?”

“Do you know what’s in air?” I asked him.

“Um... air?” He laughed and shrugged. Yes, that’s what we’re teaching our kids these days.

I told him the facts. I told him to read the safety inserts.

“Do you know what was found at the site of Vince Foster’s death?” I asked him.

“Who?” He shrugged. Sheeple!

“Air! Lots of it! Even in his lungs! Do you see now?” I turned around. All the other customers of the Goodyear were standing up and slowly clapping.

“Jeffrey Epstein!” I called out. I wasn’t afraid of anybody. “They don’t want you to know what was in Jeffrey’s Epstein’s cell.”

“Air?” The technician asked. Terror filled his eyes. His mouth trembled.

“Air! AIR!” I shouted it so hard that my nose emitted chemtrails. “You think it’s coincidence that Bill Gates pumps his tires full of it? And Jeff Bezos talks about drones that travel in the air ?”

“Have you seen what’s in air?”

I didn’t wait for these sheeple to answer. I had the facts.

“Nitrogen!” I told them. “They don’t want you to know. Nitrogen. The same stuff that’s in dynamite. And fertilizer . Do you want to drive your precious children around on tires full of dynamite and fertilizer? ”

A young mother stared at me in shock and slowly nodded. She quickly put a plastic bag over her baby’s head and tied it at the neck.

The technician raised his hand, just a little. “But our boss, Mister Goldfeinsteinberg, told us that car tires need air—”

“And you believe THEM? You know, THEM?” I shook my head. “We didn’t have air inflation stations in this country until the twentieth century and Big Air, the industrial conglomorates, the Rothschilds, George Soros, Sandy Koufax, Paula Abdul, Lou Reed, Ben Stiller, and Steve Mnuchin.”

“Ben Stiller too?” The technician shook his head in disbelief.

“Come on.” I held my hands up to attract more attention and scratched my chin suggestively. “And Albert Einstein? Come on, Ein-stein ? Isn’t it obvious?”

“I never thought of it that way.” He exhaled and shook his head.

“And the Hindenburg? Hinden-burg ?” I asked the crowd. “And what was it full of?”

“Air!” A little boy shouted out, then started crying.

“We didn’t have inflation stations anywhere. And when’s the last time you heard of an 18th century driver getting a flat tire?” I nodded at the audience. They were applauding more enthusiastically now. “I have the facts. In 1857, there were zero calls to AAA for flat tires! Zero!”

The crowd gasped. The suffocated baby dropped from his mother’s arms. I peed kombucha.

The owner of Goodyear came out from the back room, wearing a perfectly tailored Louis Vuitton suit. “Hello. I’m Mister Goodyear.” He looked me right in the eye. “I’ve been watching what you’re saying here, and you’re absolutely right. We’ve been lying to the people about Big Air for too long now. Thank you. Thank you so much for educating us.”

“I couldn’t have done it without my Facebook group and YouTube,” I said. Everyone took out their notepads and wrote down the URLs I gave them.

As I was leaving, a rotund Frenchman smiled and gave me a $100 bill.

That man’s name? The Michelin Man.

DISCUSSION (21)

UserNotFound > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 06:16

It’s all just a cunning plan by Big Tweel to discredit Big Air. By the time this campaign has run its course, people will be begging for and answer. BEGGING.

Then the Tweel will appear and offer them salvation.

For a price, of course. There are mouths to feed, after all, and they are hungry. So very hungry.

Cash Rewards > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 06:46

This would have been 1000x better if you had used the Michelin man’s name: Bi bendum

Nauraushaun > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 06:51

Is that sanders?

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 07:19

What did I just read...

Old-Busted-Hotness > RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars
05/10/2020 at 07:44

The TRUTH!

Old-Busted-Hotness > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 07:46

You’re lucky Mr. Goodyear didn’t take you in back and lock you in a room full of the stuff. That’s what they do to Air Truthers, you know.

I won’t have it. My tires are filled with 100% pure phlogiston.

jimz > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 08:14

Sorry, just getting my morning breath of fresh air.

Kinja'd!!!

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 08:34

Paraphrasing WC Fields, “Do you know what eagles do in the air? I’ll have none of that!”

Kinja'd!!!

Teh Penguin of Doom > Cash Rewards
05/10/2020 at 09:54

For the one in a thousand who get it.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > UserNotFound
05/10/2020 at 10:07

I read that as Big Tweed at first. . .

ClassicDatsunDebate > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 10:28

Phil Collins has been warning us for years. Check out his podcast

Cash Rewards > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 10:31

This is Oppo, its got to be more like 1 in 500

Jayvincent > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 10:44

preach on, Penguin, because the day of reckoning is coming and the sheeple deserve their fate at the bottom of the cliff!

John Norris (AngryDrifter) > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 10:58

One thing leads to another.

So for some reason I read this whole post . Then I had to go further and look into what was up with the ugly little green Nissan. Not until then did I rea lize that was Gates and Buffet. So then I read the David Tracy story on Duncan Imports, that referenced the Gates and Buffet photo. Th en I had to watch the Gates Notes video that used the four little Nissan’s in the lead in .

It was then I realized that despite being mega billionai res they aren’t very good at making an entertaining YouTube video.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 11:20

You know what else is in air?

My farts!

When you inhale, you’re taking some of my shit esters into your body!

Teh Penguin of Doom > John Norris (AngryDrifter)
05/10/2020 at 11:39

Buffett.

Thisismydisplayname > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 11:43

But the Hindenburg was full of Hydrogen, and just a little air

Jim Spanfeller > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 11:49

Life hack: F ill your tires with water instead.

DipodomysDeserti > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 12:41

I would like to point out that Goodyear, Arizona, is built over a former Goodyear plant, and the soil is completely contaminated with various carcinogens.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Teh Penguin of Doom
05/10/2020 at 14:18

Air will kill you if you leave it in your lungs for too long

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > Nauraushaun
05/10/2020 at 22:05

warren buffett